A year without my Mom
It’s hard to believe that a year ago, I abruptly lost my Mom. Wow, 12 months, 365 days without having one of my best friends in my life. Looking back the first few months after my Mom died are a fog. There were tears, lots of tears, there were sleepless nights filled with hopeless questions. “Why did this happen? and “How will this event forever change my life?” Though there may never be answers, there is always hope. The last year has been a journey in claiming that hope.
Losing a parent is like losing a piece of your soul that you can never get back. There is unimaginable pain that comes along with losing someone you love so much. It’s like the stronger the bond the bigger the heart ache. My Mom and I worked hard on our relationship. From daily phone calls with “Mom” advice to shopping trips + drinking coffee to coaching me on how to be a stellar chef- we were connected. I have endured a lot of sadness in the last 12 months, but as much sadness as I have felt, I have gained even more courage, confidence and conviction. My mom reminds me every day to live of a life of purpose.
Shortly after Mom passed, friends and Doctors shared their wisdom that the first year would be the hardest. They were right! I found myself counting down the Holidays - her birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and every special event - thinking about how many more more I had to go before I hit the one year mark! It was the unknown of what or what not to do that caused me so much anxiety. Moments that were once filled with colorful memories, seemed to fade. What was once active and bustling, now required me to sit in discomfort and uncertainty.
Now I consider myself a “fixer”. I take pride in being able to coach, guide and motivate clients and friends thru the most difficult seasons of their life. Yet, here I was going nowhere as I tried to fix, coach and guide myself through grief. Moments of sadness and tears would stop me in the middle of my tracks. Beautiful memories would consume and paralyze me knowing that was a chapter in the past.
So as that foretold difficult first year came to an end, I began to understand that you can’t fix sadness. You can’t coach yourself or someone you love through this experience. That piece of my soul that I lost with my mom is now filled with grief. Grief is not a bad thing; it’s part of our everyday life. We grow thru and around grief. As I look back, coming to terms with that lesson was a major catalyst to my growth.
My altered viewpoint helped me find the transcendence. It took me sitting still, meditating, and praying to come to the realization that I didn’t lose my mom. She is and will always be with me. It wasn’t until I shifted my perspective that I was able to see and feel the light. My outlook needed to change in order for me to make peace with what would be one of the biggest losses of my life.
You see there is a difference between being angry that she’s not here and sad because I miss her. My view transitioned pain into appreciation and grief into grace. I was gifted 45 ahmazing years with one of the most talented, spirited and loving individuals, a woman I was lucky enough was my mom! My life has been fulfilled because of her daily presence. She taught me, coached me and loved me in an exquisite and unique way. I am beyond blessed and fortunate to have had such a tight bond with my favorite Belgian Citizen. I am forever indebted to have learned so much from the person that gave me life. It was an adjusted attitude of gratitude that helped me make peace to move forward. My path forward will always be illuminated by her light.
What I know. It takes time to process the loss of a loved one. There’s no playbook and everyone grows through it differently, at their own pace. I made it thru a year of firsts and finally feel like I can start breathing again. I’m ready to get the train back on track after a year of feeling like my locomotive was derailed.
I get sad. I cry. I miss my mom. Through missing her, remembering her, and honoring her with the way I live each day, she is with me. I’m in a different place than I was a year ago, a place of celebration and daily gratitude for one of the most important women in my life. She continues to inform and inspire me. There is healing on the other side, and there is always hope. Thanks Mom.
